Remote Control

Sunday night I was up at 11:30, which seems to have become my new bedtime. I'm one of those weirdos who goes to sleep with the TV on.

The TV had been off all day but I turn it on to fall asleep.

That should say something about our programming options these days.

I'm flipping channels and I notice that the choice of TV shows these days has deteriorated into a strange selection of options that is eerily reminisent of the old time freak shows at a circus.

Pay a quarter, lift the curtain, see the tallest man alive.

Next booth, lift the curtain, see the conjoined twins.

Nothing has changed in 100 years except that we pay more to view, the participants get paid to put their lives on display, and we can watch it all from our bedroom at midnight-no need to pay the creepy dude at the door.

Unless you're late on your cable bill.

Which I know nothing about.

So, here's what I had to pick from:

Twins by Surprise: Okay, I've known a few women actually who've gotten pregnant and didn't know it. I can't quite understand how that happens though. If I so much as eat 3 extra french fries, my scale goes up 5 lbs.. An extra baby? Not a chance.

Twins by surprise though? Here are some clues you might be pregnant with twins and concurrently in a sad state of deinal:

• If you suddenly find yourself only able to fit into clothes that have brand names like PEA IN A POD or MOMMY AND ME, something is wrong.
• If your stomach starts to do some hellacious moves on it's own, and you've never taken a belly dancing class...and you're well, not belly dancing, that could be a clue.
• If you start to look like you swallowed one of the Harlem Globetrotters basketballs, yep, there's a problem.

The Secret Life of the American Teengager: I thought this was very funny.

Teenagers today don't have secrets, plain and simple.

When I was a kid, secrets were do-able. A good diary with a sturdy lock, well hidden from your little brother, and all of your secrets were safe.

Not today. I can barely pass wind and my kids have posted it on MySpace.

Okay, to be fair, I do post frequently myself on Facebook.

But, I am an adult and I know the limits, for the most part, of what constitutes a secret and what does not.

Teens today bare their entire lives, and anyone who might be connected to them, for the whole world to see. And comment on.

I think this show should be re-named: The Secret Lives of Parents Who Don't Know Their Kids.

If you know your kids, you probably wouldn't end up as subject material for this type of show.

The next two choices were just awesome viewing material:

Half Ton Dad OR Why I Ran

Guess what the common theme was among these two shows?

No, there were no half ton men running anywhere.

Give up? Both shows took place in Houston. So we have half ton dads AND geniuses who try to out run the police, but instead are followed by the news helicopters, like there is a chance in hell that they are gonna get away with the whole city watching their every move. All for your viewing pleasure, filmed right here in H-Town.

Last choice? My favorite, but for a different reason: ICE ROAD TRUCKERS

I have lived most of life in Texas.

We use ice for 2 things-iced tea and ice chests (usually full of beer.) Oh, I almost forgot.

We also use ice for frozen Margaritas.

That's it.

We don't walk on ice, we don't stand on ice, we don't fish on ice and we certainly do not drive on ice.

In fact, when the rare ice storm hits south Texas, most of us cannot make it to our mailbox without slipping and falling on our butts at least half a dozen times.

No native Texas would, in their right mind, drive on ice. Not even in a Big Wheel. You would be more likely to find me pregnant with twins by surprise than you would to find me driving any vehicle on ice.

These men have evidently made a career out of something that is unthinkable to those of us from the south. I don't know what kind of mental state you have to be in to choose this as a job, but I sure hope they pay you well.

This would be sort of like those of us from the south telling someone from Minnesota to come visit in July and to bring a sweater because it gets 'cool' at night. If you're not from here, you wouldn't get it.

You'd be more likely to find someone from Texas on Jupiter than you would driving an 18 Wheeler across an Ice Lake.

Now, if you're from Houston, and you happen to move into this profession, you'll probably be great at cutting off, tailgating or making creative hand gestures at the other Ice Road Truckers once you're out on that ice lake.

Those were my choices. Pregnant teens. Half ton dads or people running from the police. Twins by Surprise (also known as "Women in denial that they have doubled in size over the course of nine months".)

What has happend to our society that everything available on TV is a peek into the lives of people with issues that, 10 years ago none of would have ever known about, and we would have been just fine keeping it that way.

And if this is what's on TV, I'll take the kids playing Wii or X-Box any day of the week over television.

So, what channel did I land on?

Forensic Files.

Nothing like a serial killer to help you fall asleep.