And English is Terribly Boring

I arrived home today from my work trip to Dallas, still feeling some of the mom guilt that crept up on me for missing the first few days of school.

I’m sure the fatigue I was feeling had nothing to do with the 4 hours of beauty rest I got in the hotel, or the truck-stop-diet I started on the inbound trip (bad idea.)

The business meetings wrapped up early and I hightailed it out as quickly as possible for the four hour drive home, feeling tired, and skipping every truck stop (no beef jerky this time, I learned my lesson.)

Ah, what 48 hours can do in terms of how you look at your kids.

I swear they’d grown an inch.

Okay, not really. But I was thrilled to see their smiling, sweaty faces.

They were anxious to tell me about the new school year, and I was ready to hear it.

I heard all about the teachers…..one teacher is supposedly 71 years old, one has less hair than me (hard to believe) and several are (right now) very ‘cool.’

As they crouched at the edge of the bed and tag teamed me with back to school stories, it was like a verbal ping pong match. I just sat and listened, my head bobbing back and forth.

Jordan: “Mom, I have lunch with all my good friends.’

Chase: “Yeah and we actually have the same lunch but we don’t sit together, so don’t ask.”

Jordan: “And I’ve already learned 5 Spanish words” (I’m praying they are not swear words.)

Ping pong, back and forth. Teachers, friends, classes, and of course, ‘I need money.’

Then Jordan said, “But English is terribly boring.”

I almost replied, “and would you like some tea and crumpets for dinner?”

My almost-twelve-year-old has a tendency to sound like  Robin Williams uncensored on HBO, but can, in the next breath, sound just like Prince Charles. He has always done this, and you never know if you are going to get the king or the comedian.

It’s just like him, all smelly and boy like, to say “English is terribly boring” instead of something more tween-ish like “English class sucks.”

Hearing him say that, listening to them voluntarily chat up a storm with me, when I am lucky to get a text messages that say anything more than “IDK”, erased most of the guilt I felt about being gone.

I’m home.

We’ll see what happens though in three weeks when progress reports come out.

It will either be, “that stupid teacher gave me a bad grade” or “I’m terribly happy with my progress this year.”

Or, he’ll be cursing us all out in Spanish.

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Like Sands Through The Hourglass

If you live anywhere near me and happened to look outside yesteday and see someone doing cartwheels down the street in their pajamas, that was probably yours truly.

The school year is off to a start, and if the State of Texas started school on a weekend, I would have been toasting myself yesterday with Mimosas, Bloody Marys, or both. Well, maybe not both. I cannot do tomato juice that early. Mimosas, for sure.

The kids headed off yesterday, scrubbed, immunized, shaved (I have a 7th grader that shaves, and 8th grader that doesn't, imagine what that does for sibling rivalry), and newly clothed compliments of Hollister and no thank you to the slow mall walkers.

I love the first day of school.

There are no pleads from me for them to get out of bed, no requests for lunch money, book money, picture money, or homecoming dance money. No last minute requests to sign report cards, book reports, or 'oh, by the way, I need black pants, socks and shoes for the band concert tonight,' from a child who has grown 6 inches since the last band concert.

My kids actually look forward to the first day, reconnecting with their friends, and comparing notes over which teachers they will collectively torture, which girls they will try to attract.

Several years ago, my two youngest kids were in first grade and kindergarten, respectively. Jordan was 4 years old, starting kindergarten with the teacher Chase had just finished the previous year with, we loved her.

Apparently, Jordan was having a rough first day, so the teacher, knowing Chase already, pulled Jordan out of class and took him down to find Chase in his first grade class, hoping he could give Jordan some 'words of encouragement.'

The teachers pulled Chase out in the hall, all three foot ten of him, and asked him to provide a little big brother psychotherapy, and talk Jordan into going back to class, ya know, help him out and all the things all good siblings should do.

Chase leaned over, whispered something in Jordan's ear, and Jordan turned around and went straight back to class, issue over.

I didn't hear about this incident until parent-teacher night, several weeks later.

I was beaming. All proud of my little first grader for stepping up to the plate and having Jordan's back when he needed it.

I was a little surprised though, that Chase had played big brother when it came down to it, there's no love lost between those two. Something didn't seem right.

I turned to Chase and asked, 'what did you say to him to make him go back to class like that?'

Chase looked at me and with his little 5 year old voice, and the same non-chalant, by-the-books, matter of fact personality has to this day and said:

"I told him to go back to class or he would end up stupid."

My how the time flies, from Jordan's kindergarten rescue, to yesterday when I jokingly said to him on the way out the door, 'try not to kill the girls with your cuteness' and he replied, dead serious, 'mom, that's kinda hard, okay.'

I am sad to have missed the first few days of school due to being out of town for work.

But, there is a silver lining in every cloud, right?

For the first time ever, it's my husband who gets to fill out three sets of the same forms we fill out every year, the paperwork that rivals in volumne the quantity of forms I filled out when I bought my house.

Have fun with that honey, it helps to switch pens to avoid writers cramp.

And please, don't forget to sign and date them properly, or the teachers might think we're stupid.

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I'm Just Saying....

If you're like me, and a working mom, here are a few tips if you happen to be out of town on the first day of school:

1.) Don't stop at a truck stop on your trip and buy beef jerky, praline rolls, AND Diet Cokes to eat on your trip, if you are overcome with guilt about not being there to greet your teenagers when they get off the bus, and you suddenly have a binge junk food spree.

2.) If you do decide to buy any of the above, be sure you buy lots of Pepto because by the time you reach your said work destination, you ain't gonna be in any shape to work. Unless you eat that stuff on a daily basis anyhow, and even then, I'm just saying, it's not fun.

3.) If you get to your hotel, and, out of sheer guilt that you are not home on a day you kids are certain to never remember, but your tired brain tells you the opposite, and you for some stupid reason follow up the truck stop beef jerky with room service, don't order anything with french fries to chase down the truck stop food. If you do, refer to tip #2, and double the amount you purchase.

4.) If the truck stop you were dumb enough stop at happens to sell really cute themed boxers and t-shirts, and you decide to have a shopping spree to go with your beef jerky, praline roll, and sodas, don't put your new digs on until AFTER the room service arrives. Bus boys give you really strange looks if they show up with dinner and you are all alone dressed in Bucee Beaver themed clothes from head to toe, regardless of how cute Bucee is.

5.) Last tip, most important. Once you get to the hotel, under no circumstances should you listen to your Ipod if it has any Harry Chapin on it, especially that awful, terrible working mom song: Cat's in the Cradle. Once you hear the verse about 'the new jobs a hassle and the kids have the flu, it's been sure nice talking to you dad,' you should hope your room is on the first floor so you aren't tempted to end the working mom guilt with a leap.

One extra: if you manage to get photos of your kids on the first day of school, before you leave for your work trip, and are dumb enough do all of the above, by all means, share them.

They are, after all, probably the reason you are working to begin with.

I don't know anything about all that stuff.

I'm just sayin....

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Your Mom Got Arrested for What?

I waited until the absolute worst possible day to take the kids to the mall for back to school shopping: the Saturday before every child attending public school in Texas starts. Yeah, brilliant, I know.

I didn’t even try to park, headed straight for the valet. I would have paid $50 to not hitchhike from the edge of the mall parking lot. It was easily 100 degrees, and I had, after all, taken the time to put on makeup, just in case I ran into any of my clients out shopping. The last thing I needed was my makeup melting off in the 30 seconds between my car and the mall entrance.

I sent the kids on their way shopping, instructions to not spend one cent over their $100 each budget or everything would be returned, and to call me in an hour.

Since I had time to pass, I decided to walk around the mall.

Walk? Anywhere? Who was I kidding with more people shopping than attending a rock concert. Not a chance.

What is it with people at the mall who walk in groups five across and refuse to let you pass? And then, they STOP, unexpectedly, and you end up nearly doing the Butt Boogie with a stranger. I totally turned into a mall tailgater. MOVE OVER PEOPLE, PLEASE, THIS IS NOT A SUNDAY STROLL!

Thirty minutes later, I heard from the kids. One of the models at Hollister wouldn’t let them use my credit card because Tyler’s ID didn’t match. Guess he doesn’t look Posh enough to be a Shannon R.

I headed off to pay so we could GET OUT THERE before I ended up arrested by the mall police for assaulting some slow walker.

I met Jordan, headed into Hollister, and ran smack into a line of parents waiting to pay. When I say line, I mean LINE, people. This line tangled all the way through that dark, loud store and stopped just short of the entrance to the mall.

For forty minutes we stood there in that cave of a store, unable to hear anything due the blaring music, continuously bumped by their modeliscious workers working. I counted to ten. Took deep breaths. Did I mention I hate, really hate, crowds?

The whole time, I was thinking, ‘this is not concert tickets to see Cold Play. This is 3 shirts and a pair of shorts. And Cold Play tickets would be cheaper. And if one more teeny bopper bumps into me, there’s gonna be a throw down.’

Jordan kept glancing at me like he was saying a silent prayer: ‘please God, get us up there before she really embarrasses me and tackles another parent or a Hollister employee.’

We finally paid, and headed out of the store back into the mall. I couldn’t see anything except stars, and not the Brad Pitt kind, unfortunately. The stars you see when you walk out of a long movie, straight into the bright sun, having just plunked down

All I could think of was, ‘next year, we’re so shopping online, come August. And thank goodness Nana’s a lawyer. Just in case.’

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Back To School Cash Crunch

 

Here it is, less than a week now before school starts, and I am almost in panic mode.

Yes, of course, I am Team Captain of the Cheerleading Squad for moms ready to send their kids back to school.

Two-Four-Six-Eight, who do we appreciate? TEACHERS!

(I would insert a back handspring here, but I might hurt myself.)

Although we are a dual income family, at the rate we are going, I might need my younger two kids to lie about their age and get a job at a local burger joint to cover back to school costs.

I wonder how much trouble I could get into for that?

So far, we’ve spent $300+ on shots, $150 on two pairs of shoes, and $100 on pre-packaged school supplies for two kids.

That’s $550 dollars plunked down, and I haven’t purchased one article of clothing yet, not so much as a stitch of Fruit of the Loom underwear for one of my three boys, unless you count the gym uniform the school required me to purchase.

Somehow I don’t think the kids are going to agree when they ask me, AGAIN, about back to school shopping, and I say, ‘What are you talking about? We’re done shopping? I bought your gym clothes?’

On top of that, they have been hounding us, all three of them, for new cell phones.

Funny, I didn’t see that on the school supply list?

Not yet. I won’t be surprised in a few years if I open the school supply list and see ‘Razr or Sidekick’ on top. I just know it’s coming.

It’s gotten so bad with the new cell phone requests that one day I finally told them to all go and look out the window into the backyard.

They looked at me like I was crazy, but oddly enough, they complied. Such a Kodak moment, where was my camera when I needed it? All three of them stood there for a good thirty seconds before someone finally turned to me and said, ‘what are we looking for?’

‘A money tree,’ I replied. ‘Let me know where you see one growing because I need to go do some pruning.’

They were not at all amused. I thought it was kinda funny actually.

Forget all the hoopla over Health Care Reform.

I think we all need to band together and start writing our congressmen for Back-To-School-Supply-Reform. I’m ready to start a caucus or whatever they’re called.

Political Action Committee, that’s it.

Seriously. I hear my bank account draining by the second.

And until then, does anyone know what the going interest rate is for a back to school loan? And are Fruit of the Loom covered?

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