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July 3, 2009

No more Momzilla

How to go from Momzilla to June Cleaver in 10 easy steps:

1.) Sleep late. On a Friday. I'm officially now a huge fan of every Federal holiday that falls on a weekend.

2.) Make sure the first person to ring the doorbell is the housekeeper coming to clean. (As opposed, say, to a 13 year old asking to borrow an Xbox controller.)

3.) Go to breakfast with your husband and the one and only kid who is home today.

4.) No matter what happens or how tempted you are, leave the Blackberry totally off and at home. (Hint: This will not be easy at first. But if you stay strong, it's do-able. There should be a support group for going off a Blackberry, they call it Crackberry for a reason. If you need a sponser, let me know, I'll be glad to step in.)

5.) Get a pedicure after breakfast. Nail salon right next door to a taqueria. Genius.

6.) Have the pedicure ladies who normally only speak in in their native language, suddenly start to exclaim in some pretty darn clear English that you look really skinny, where have you been, wow you look skinny and just keep going with that line of conversation for the next half hour while they paint your toes pink. (I tried to explain to them, 'I haven't been in to get a pedicure lately because I've been sitting on the front steps of the local psychiatric hospital wondering if they take my insurance and how long they will let me stay.' They smiled. And nodded.)

7.) Walk through the Walgreens parking lot and have a guy in a pickup stop and ask where you got the pink Beatles t-shirt you're wearing because his sister in the back seat wants to know. (There really was a girl in the backseat. I have no idea if it was his sister. She was kind of enough to wave? Who cares...someone asking where you bought a pink t-shirt, unless he looks really creepy, is a quicker picker upper than all the other steps combined.)

8.) Come home after pedicure to find the housekeeper nearly done and house smelling like Fabuloso.

9.) Schedule a date to go see movie this afternoon with your husband. It's Transformers II. I never saw Transformers I. And I don't care. Neither does he.

I'll let you know #10 when I figure that one out. :)

Update! #10 just discovered!

10.) Go to the mall, because the movie in #9 is sold out. Try on pants. Fit into size 6 (with no stomach sucking.) Now if you are normally a size 2, a size 6 might not be such a good thing. But if you've had 3 babies, and have spent most of your adult life hovering near a size 16, fitting into single digit clothes is amazing.

Fitting into a size 6 (pretend audio insert: huge choir in the background right here signing Hallelujah, Hallelujah!) is like finding the Holy Grail.

Poof! Momzilla gone!

Steps #1 through 9 no longer needed. Nice, but not needed.

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