Driving Mrs. Crazy

It's been two months now since Tyler got his drivers license.

Ahh, the memories. It seems so long ago, those days of me toting him around.

I was so sad at seeing him drive off that first morning.

My first born son, taking the lives of his brothers in his hand as he drove them off to swim practice, three blocks away.

I stood on the front porch watching, ready to throw my body down to stop him.

My, how a few months can change everything.

I still worry each time he leaves. There is still a teeny pang in my heart and the prompt to drive safe and text me when he arrives.

My neighbor tried to tell me how happy I would be once Tyler could drive.
At the time we were drinking martinis. I thought she was delusional.

All I could envision was someone running over my baby. I still do worry about that. I'm sure I always will.

But the rest of me is high-fiving myself, secretly woo-hooing, every day!

In the past two months, he has driven himself to work, made trips to pick up dinner, dropped off and picked up my dry cleaning, dropped off one kid at the orthodontist, picked up another at a friend’s house.

What did I do before I had my own personal errand runner?

Every parent needs one of these, it's the best thing since unlimited texting.

All those times I could barely get him out of his room, off the couch, or to speak in anything beyond a mumble are a thing of the past.

Car keys hold such enormous power, I had no idea!

All I do now is request an errand, and POOF! He instantly appears.

The jingle of car keys is like waving a magic wand.

He’s Happy. Cheerful. Speaking in full sentences. Right before my eyes, like a little lap dog, ready to perform whatever trick I need.

I'm trying to take full advantage of this before he catches on.

At some point me 'allowing' him to run up to Target is going to turn into me 'begging' him to run to Target.

I know that day is coming.

For now, it's cool to drive mom's car, which has a great air conditioner and even better radio.

I learned about the radio the hard way.

Monday morning, as I rushed out the door for work, hands full of a too many work items, 2 Diet cokes, cell phone, laptop, purse, never enough caffeine by that point, and I barely made it to the car without dropping something.

I turned on the engine first to get the air conditioner going, since it was 110 degrees by 8 am and my face was starting to melt.

Remember the old Bill Cosby routine about a parent getting in a car after a teen?

The man was famous for a reason.

The radio nearly blew out my ear drums and car speakers simultaneously.

No more need for the Diet Cokes or caffeine.

I managed to peel myself up off the driveway, crawl over to the radio and hit mute.

If you have a up and coming teen driver, be prepared to worry. It has, easily, been the scariest thing I have done as a parent. Hands down.

But it's also been the most fun.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

But you might want to turn down the radio first.

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The Real World....on a Tuesday

I still have people reading and responding to me in various ways about the blog yesterday regarding teens and the talk and beyond the talk.

By the way, the reason I have decided not to use the S word is not because I dont want to use it.

Please, no problems here with the word.

But if I put the S word in this blog, it will appear in all sorts of Google and random website rankings where I don't want the blog appearing.

So for now, we all know when I say the S word, it ain't swimming or surfing.

Besides the fact that I am tired tonight and feel like I should just re-post the original blog from yesterday, I did want to say that I managed to pull aside wonder boy and have a quick discussion on this topic.

Moments with him alone are rare these days, with the constant stream of kids in and out all day.

In order to protect his privacy, which is more valuable than, you know, my car, I won't go into much detail other than to say that he was very receptive, understood where I was coming from, and didn't seem the least bit embarrassed or uncomfortable.

In a nutshell, for those of you headed down this path anytime soon, I said, if you feel like a relationship is headed that way, find someone, anyone, to talk to about it first, please. Coach, friend, teacher, the Jonas Brothers, just someone.

He got it, we're good and I didn't even have to get graphic, which made us both happy, I think it's safe to say. Does that mean it's off my radar? Absolutely not. And I don't think it will be for many years.

And I will say that having heard now, first hand, the in your face account of this from someone else, any fear, apprehension, anxiety, sweaty plams-it's all gone.

At this point, I would rather have sweaty palms over THE talk, than sweaty plams over a new baby.

Funny how reality just slaps ya in the face like that.

With that said, on a lighter note, I will close tonight with (geez, I sound like a preacher, huh?):

My Five Top Summer Kid Phrases:

1.) There's nothing to eat. (usually 30 minutes after we've returned from shopping.)

2.) Why do I need a bath? I took one yesterday?

3.) My hair is crunchy in the back. (Yes. I've heard this more than once, just today in fact. It goes back to #2 I am sure. It's really scary, and gross.)

4.) When are you going grocery shopping?

5.) He hit me. Repeat. 15 gazillion times per day.

(note: I left off the classic 'I'm bored' because that is just a given.)

They leave Sunday for a week of summer church camp.

Maybe I could pay the camp to just keep them 'till school starts?

Or just not show up until like August 24th or so and act like I thought camp lasted a month?

Yeah, the camp might not go for that. But it's church camp. I can sure pray.

(QOTB: What's the phrase you've heard the most this summer from your kids?)

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Boys, Birds, Bees and Faith

As if my life is not dramatic enough right now.

Somewhere in my own personal book of life, God apparently decided to write:

2009. Shannon: MAJOR EXAM ON FAITH

I think I am passing the test, I hope so, but some days I am not so sure I'll make it.

These last few months have felt like a never ending SAT exam, I cannot leave the room, I forgot my pencil, and the examiner just keeps looking at me like,'too bad, you've just gotta wait till the time is up.'

Latest drama:

I had a long conversation this weekend with a very good friend who has a son about the same age as my oldest son (16-ish.)

Her son apparently came to her and told her that, well, the deed is done. Do the math.

(If it sounds like I am being vague, I am, to protect the privacy of the people involved.)

I am not sure what stunned me more. The fact that it had happened, and has been happening now and that they are dealing with it the best way they know how (lots of talking....I think the word condom is now as common a household word for them as orange juice.)

Or the fact that my own child is so close in age, and certainly faced with the same pressures.

I went back and forth from, 'OMG what did you say, how are you handling this, OMG, OMG, OMG' and just feeling stunned to the point of being speechless...to thinking 'OMG this child is basically the same age as Tyler, how quickly can I get home and pad lock him in his bed room.'

It took my breath away. The conversation. The reality. The thought of it all. For them. For him. For us.

I still cannot really put it all together in my head, and I'm still struggling emotionally for their family and for ours.

This was not a wake up call for me. No red flag here. Not even a big red truck.

This is more like a big red semi being pulled by an Amtrak train being pulled by a 747 plowing straight at us.

I am incredibly grateful that her son trusted her enough to tell her what was happening and that she told me and even though we have always had an open dialogue with the kids on sex and body parts, HA HA HA, they ain't seen nothing yet! Testicles, hemmorhoids and hernias will be nothing compared to where we are about to head with this discussion.

We're about to get down and dirty (no pun intended...okay maybe a little pun) with all three of them on this topic. Apparently, my time is up...it's probably been up for awhile though, all things considered and I guess that is the part that makes me sad.

How did we get here so soon, to this place of limbo where children are making adult decisions that could change their entire lives?

Where do you draw the line between educating, accepting, condoning versus household imprisonment until they are 30.

Sure, I know those Jonas brothers all wear those purity rings and I know they mean well.

But so did Britney Spears and look where that landed her.

And I'm past the whole, 'well, look at what we did when we were kids' notion.

That rationalization works fine when you are talking to your high school buddies or your college friends.

Go right ahead and try that when it's your first born child and get back to me with how well that works for ya.

If I sound confused, bewildered, unsure of the whole situation, I am.

Yes, this is a major test of faith for me. Faith that there is a plan for each of my children's lives and that it doesn't involve an STD, choosing condom colors for a teenager or having me choose what kind of grandma name I want to be called at the age of 40. 41....or anything 40ish at all for that matter.

And if I am forced to choose condom colors with them, can we at least wait until they are in their 20's? I should be much better with this by then.

And I thought the first day of them driving was stressful.

(QOTB: Have you had this conversation with your kids if they are old enough? Thoughts?)

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BFF

It's hard to appreciate the humor in this photo if you don't know these two kids. One of them, the short one (I say short, the kid standing next to him is 6'8 so all of us would be short standing next to him) is my oldest son, Tyler. The tall one is his best friend, Chris.

My husband and I were having dinner with our next door neighbors, while Chris and Tyler made the daily Saturday night rounds to the local Dairy Queen.

We did not see them before they left, Tyler sent me a text and said they were headed out, and would be back soon.

Here's where the humor is: They showed up at the neighbors to check in with us after going to Dairy Queen, looking exactly like they do in this photo (hence us taking photos.)

It was like they sent each other text messages and said, 'okay, lets go out tonight looking like we are fraternal twins and our mom never stopped letting us dress alike.'

Navy blue shirts (look closely, Tyler is wearing the famous weiner shirt), white shorts, hair, glasses...the biggest differences only being that Chris is a 12 inches taller and Tyler is 12 shades darker.

The best part? They had no idea that they had dressed that much alike, I mean truly had no idea, until they walked in the front door and had four adults staring at them, our mouths agape, all of us speechless for a second or two, before one of us finally asked if someone had forgotten to tell them Halloween was not until October. I can only imagine what the workers at DQ thought last night when those two came walking in for their Blizzards.

Good friends are priceless as an adult, I can say that as a mom. What would I do without my girlfriends?

But as a teenager, a true friend can help you try to make sense of things, during a time when nothing makes any sense at all.

A really good friend during high school can almost make or break a period of your life that, for whatever reason, as adults we seem to never be able to entirely let go of.

These two have stuck together, held each other accountable, raided my pantry and prayed together at my dinner table (unprompted by any adult.)

Teenagers are hard to raise. But knowing your teenager has good friends is half the battle. Actually, their friends are probably 75% of the battle. Finding your teen a good friend or three, and I mean the friends who will stick with them, and your battles will not be about who they are socializing with or what they are teaching them.

No, the battles you wage with the I'll-know-you-till-we-are-way-past-forty-friends will be more about whose house they've stayed at the most, and begging them to not consume the entire pantry in one night.

And if those are the worst of your teen battles, you'll know your kid has chosen good friends.

In about a month, Chris will be headed off to college, and Tyler will be forced to go through his last two years of high school without his 6'8 body guard to back him up.

I have no doubt we'll be making many trips to see Chris at college.

But in between now and then, we're having a talk about their wardrobe.

Seriously guys, is one of you color blind?

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Ten Reasons to Love Teenagers

10.) They're potty trained. Well, kind of. With three boys, sometimes I wonder if they've really mastered this skill yet because sometimes there is more pee on the toilet seat than in the toilet. Nevertheless, no diapers to change. Big plus.

9.) They're fashion gurus. I expect a call any day now from Tommy Hilfiger or an Abercrombie buyer asking for their advice, they are such experts. They can wear clothes that would make my grandfather's hair stand on end yet somehow are 'in style' (i.e. Tyler has a shirt with a Dachshund on it that says 'Have you seen my wiener?' which I refuse to let him wear out of the house.) But if mom or dad are foolish enough to wear anything slightly out of style, they will instantly let you know your fashion short comings and tell you how to fix it.

8.) You can take them to a public restaurant and not worry about being embarrassed about the mess at the table or noise they used to make when they were toddlers. Of course, the tab for dinner will be as big as your mortgage because now they eat much more, and undoubtedly they will have asked to bring a friend along who will be just as quiet and will order the Filet Mignon. But at least when you leave, the table is clean and no one will stare at you while you eat.

7.) They will ensure that your house structure is very sound. Around the time your first child turns 13, you will quickly learn what doors need new hinges and how sturdy your house foundation is. Door slamming-the timing, the loudness, it's all an art that they somehow master with little training, instantly. It's like they wake up one day and are the Zen Masters of Door Slamming. (For the record, this is a pet peeve of mine. Art or not, it doesn't happen here often because the results are usually not pretty!)

6.) They will teach you all kinds of facial expressions that you've never seen before (or have forgotten about.) The classic, of course, is eye rolling. Just like door slamming, they seem to wake up out of nowhere one day and can suddenly roll their eyes with such skill that you wonder if they've been going to eye rolling night school when you weren't looking. I always wonder, 'hmmmm, I wonder if I could try that on my boss and what the effect would be?' So far, I've not been brave enough.

5.) They will help teach you the value of money. Actually, what they really help teach you is how to watch your hard earned (valued) money fly right out the window on things like cell phone bills that are larger than my car payment, lost school text books (required payment in order to receive report card that I am not sure I really need,) and other miscellaneous 'lost' items such as glasses, shoes, and retainers. But they will be kind enough to still ask for a trip to the mall.


4.) You will learn all kinds of new vocabulary and changes to the English language. Best example: apparently 'sick' no longer means 'ill,' it means something good as in, 'that song is sick!' Unless of course they're trying to get out of school in which case 'I'm sick' still means 'I don't feel good?' I'm not sure. I need a teen to adult dictionary. I appreciate the vocabulary updates. But if I tell my boss that the report she showed me is 'sick,' I might be feeling sick standing in the unemployment line.

3.) You are able to leave them alone at home, unsupervised, and run errands that you could never do when you had small children. You've waited years for this moment. No baby sitter. All the emergency numbers posted. Only no one told you the errands you get to run are to go replace their lost eye glasses, go to T-Mobile and ask how to get on the long term payment plan for the cell phone bill, and stop at Home Depot to by new door hinges for that slammed one too many time door. Yep, the ability to leave them alone is a huge plus.

2.) Free labor. The best thing about this one is that it's usually accompanied by #7, #6, and #4 above. You get free labor, along with your house structure tested, you'll learn a few new facial expression and phrases all at the same time. I cannot decide if I really want them to go to college, I'm still on the fence about that one. That would mean we'd be required to go back to our pre-child days of taking out the trash and feeding the dogs on our own. Oh well, I watched enough Cosby show episodes to know that none of them will stay gone for long.

1.) You will come to appreciate your parents and what they went through every day when you were a teenager. Call your parents and tell them thanks. Better yet, call your dad and tell him how much you appreciate all that he taught you. In fact, suggest (since you are now so up to date on fashion) that he gets the 'Have you seen my Wiener' t-shirt and then tell him he will look really 'sick' in it!

And then, when he starts to say things no parents should ever say to their child, just roll your eyes and tell him you've gotta go run some errands.










(Of course then they do this and everything is good. Sneaky but effective.)

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